It’s done.

It’s done.

I’m done.

I give up.

I’m not giving up completely, just giving up on him.

It has now been three weeks since the last time I heard from The Joker. And I’m done.

Today, finally, we were both on Facebook at the same time, so I messaged him on Chat. I consider this to be a more reliable and instantaneous form of communication than a message would be [even though I sent him one of those, too].

All I sent him was a simple “Hi.” I did not ask for an explanation and there were no accusations made. What did I get in return?

Nothing.

I got silence in return.

Before, I was worried [with a small side of annoyed]. Now, I’m pissed. And sad.

The Joker is supposed to be the mature one in this ‘friendship’ [I no longer consider it a ‘relationship’]. And yet, he can’t even give me a response. So, with a bit of encouragement from a friend, I told him that I would no longer bother him, but that I thought with his age and maturity that he would at least have the decency to answer me.

The sassosaurus in me showed, just a bit.

If he had wanted to stop talking to me, that’s fine. But, he didn’t even have the respect for me to say that. Instead, he ignored me. I always say, I would rather be told no, than to not receive an answer. Even though not receiving an answer, in essence, is a no, I would rather the person have respect for me and [pardon my english] grow the balls to tell me to my face.

So there is my anger, but I’m still sad.

I’m sad because I miss what we had. *Hides face* He was the first boyguyman to ever show that kind of interest in me. At least, the first one I knew about. As a twenty year old, I’m embarassed by that. And he made me feel amazing, and that’s gone.

My friend told me I would find another one. Doubtfully, I replied, “But it took so long to find the first one.” I do believe that I will find someone else who is interested in me, someone better [eventually].

Why does it have to take so long?

But, as long as it takes,

I’ll wait.

-Aleigh

Worry

I’m worried.

I’m worried about The Joker. I haven’t heard from him in over a week and a half. Granted, it’s not like we were dating, but for the most part, we spoke every day, even if it was just ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight’.

Now, I could just take this as a sign that he lost interest or he’s busy, but I seem to have this catastrophic way of thinking, where I jump to the worst conclusions. Yes, some of the possibilities I have come up with are a tad absurd [like him being abducted by his ex], but I feel that some of the things he’s been going through, give me the right to worry about him.

For instance, my conversations with TJ were much more frequent the week following the death of his grandfather. I told him I was worried about him [having dealt with tons of loss myself] and that I was there to talk, and he reassured me that he would hang in there and that I needn’t worry. But those days following, we talked all day and I became more and more interested; more and more attached.

The night before the funeral, TJ and I were talking about how crazy it was that we’d only known each other for two months and had only met in person once. He told me he was falling super hard for me, and I kind of glossed over it. As much as I enjoyed talking to him, the way he made me feel, and the idea of a relationship, especially with someone who is as into me [if not more so], as I am them; I wasn’t sure I wanted that with him.

As wrong as it may be, I have this picture in my head of “my type of guy”, and the cousin of my cousin’s ex who happens to be thirteen years older than me, wasn’t it. But, we’ll leave my idealism for another time.

So the morning after he said he was falling for me, was the funeral. I texted him that I’d be thinking about him and he would get through this. He thanked me, and that was it for the rest of the day. I wasn’t really expecting to talk to him since he would probably be with his family all day.

The next morning I texted TJ, wishing him a good day, and he told me that he and his siblings and cousins hadn’t gone to bed until 7 am. I told him to get some sleep and text me whenever he felt like it. I sent him a ‘thinking of you’ while I was at work and a ‘goodnight’ before bed. The next morning, I asked how he was doing and he was ‘tired, grumpy, and irritated’ because he had been up since 5 am working. I told him I would leave him to it and he said he would text me when he got home, if he didn’t just pass out.

That’s the last I heard from him. I tried texting, I messaged him on facebook, and I even called and left him a voicemail.

Crazy theories aside, I’m worried that he’s become depressed and is alone. If he lost interest, I could deal with that, but I’d rather know. It’s the unknown that’s killing me. And what’s worse is, I never wanted to be this attached to him, and now I’ve spent every day since, wondering if he’s okay.

Is it too much? Am I being irrational? Should I just assume he’s not interested and move on?

I wish I knew.

I’m worried about him. I’m worried about what this means about my feelings for him.

I’m. Just. Plain. Worried.

-Aleigh

The Joker.

So there’s this guy…

To respect his privacy, we’ll call him The Joker, or TJ. Now, my ‘relationship’ with him is something I never expected. I guess it can’t really be considered a relationship. It was more of a flirty friendship. Even so, it totally caught me off guard. The first reason being, when I met him, I thought he was married. The second reason being, he’s thirteen years older than me. We met at an engagement party for my cousin and his cousin, for whom I was going to be a bridesmaid [the wedding was called off]. Our interactions began with him, for some reason, suggesting that his cousin give her bridesmaids shake weights as a bridal party gift. I protested and the conversation went like this:

Me: If I get a shake weight from her as a bridal party gift, I’m coming to beat you up.

TJ: Oh, yeah? I think you’d have to use the shake weight first.

Me: Oh, I could take you.

TJ: You wanna take this outside?

Me: Eh, maybe later.

We joked about it the rest of the night, he nicknamed me shake weights, got two of my cousins to put me in their phones as shake weights, and his girlfriend [who I though was his wife] was there the entire time. The party ended, and I thought that was the last I would hear from him until it got closer to the wedding. Totally innocent.

A month and a half later, I get a message from TJ asking how I am. It started out innocently enough, until I began to pick up on some serious flirting. We cleared up the fact that he was no longer attached to anyone and decided we would work towards being actual friends, but the flirting never stopped.

Now, I never planned on this turning into anything bigger than a flirty friendship. But, he made me feel amazing. The flirting got more and more serious. I still don’t think I want a relationship with him, but I’ve definitely grown to care about him. It was nice to have someone so interested in me. For instance, one night he had been drinking with his cousin after a particularly hard day and this is just one of the amazingly sweet things he said to me:

TJ: I wish I hadn’t been drinking tonight so I could come to whereever you are and kiss you goodnight.

Me: Babe, I live a good forty minutes from where you are right now.

TJ: So, it would totally be worth it if I could just hold you right now.

And as I fell asleep that night, I found myself wishing he could come kiss me goodnight.

I haven’t heard from him in over a week and now I’m worried about him. But, we’ll consider that ‘To Be Continued…’

-Aleigh

Glass.

Thompson Square is pure genius. They are this lovely couple whose songs include “Let’s Fight”, “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not”, and “Glass”. Those are just a few of my favorites. Glass inspired the name of my blog and the tag line. The original lyrics are ‘we may shine, we may shatter, …. , ’cause we are glass.’

However, at the moment, I am not a we. So, I changed it up a little bit. I hope they don’t mind.

“I’ll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks, and in the darkness of this moment, you see the good and bad.”

I want the kind of love where I can trust him enough to open myself completely. To let him look inside me, in every part of me.

“We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake, we might burn like gasoline and fire, but it’s a chance we’ll have to take.”

I don’t take many chances, so I want a love that’s worth it. I want someone to make me want to risk the pain of heartache, so that I can feel, even if it’s just for a moment.

I want epic love.

I’ll wait.

-Aleigh

Why, hello, there.

Welcome to my first ever blog post!

I wanted to start this blog so I have somewhere to voice my thoughts that I want someone to know about, but not someone I’ve necessarily ever met. I don’t claim to be a good writer. I don’t even claim to be a writer at all, but I want to get some of the stuff that’s hidden deep inside me, out into the light of day [or night].

Here are a couple bloggers that inspire me:

http://hope.gr/      <—— Hope is an amazing writer who is willing to share her undying hope for love and life with anyone who happens to stumble upon her blog. Check her out.

http://peterdewolf.com/       <——- Peter seems to be the last of a dying species. He is this thoughtful, romantic man who is not afraid to show his mushy side. His blog helps give me the patience to wait for my Prince Charming, for the hope that he will make me sigh the way some of Peter’s posts have. He’s also ridiculously funny. Check him out, too.

I’m sure at some point posts that I’ve read on their blogs will inspire some posts one here. Don’t worry, guys, I will give credit where it is due. That said, the eloquence with which they can make their readers feel and understand what they type, is something I can only dream of one day accomplishing.

Okay, I wanted to keep this post short and sweet and not bore you to death on my first shot. Hopefully, my next posts and that which you can read of Peter and Hope will give you an idea of what you have to look forward to from me.

If anyone is out there reading this, lemme know! I’d love to hear from you!

-Aleigh