I’m worried.

I’m worried about The Joker. I haven’t heard from him in over a week and a half. Granted, it’s not like we were dating, but for the most part, we spoke every day, even if it was just ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight’.

Now, I could just take this as a sign that he lost interest or he’s busy, but I seem to have this catastrophic way of thinking, where I jump to the worst conclusions. Yes, some of the possibilities I have come up with are a tad absurd [like him being abducted by his ex], but I feel that some of the things he’s been going through, give me the right to worry about him.

For instance, my conversations with TJ were much more frequent the week following the death of his grandfather. I told him I was worried about him [having dealt with tons of loss myself] and that I was there to talk, and he reassured me that he would hang in there and that I needn’t worry. But those days following, we talked all day and I became more and more interested; more and more attached.

The night before the funeral, TJ and I were talking about how crazy it was that we’d only known each other for two months and had only met in person once. He told me he was falling super hard for me, and I kind of glossed over it. As much as I enjoyed talking to him, the way he made me feel, and the idea of a relationship, especially with someone who is as into me [if not more so], as I am them; I wasn’t sure I wanted that with him.

As wrong as it may be, I have this picture in my head of “my type of guy”, and the cousin of my cousin’s ex who happens to be thirteen years older than me, wasn’t it. But, we’ll leave my idealism for another time.

So the morning after he said he was falling for me, was the funeral. I texted him that I’d be thinking about him and he would get through this. He thanked me, and that was it for the rest of the day. I wasn’t really expecting to talk to him since he would probably be with his family all day.

The next morning I texted TJ, wishing him a good day, and he told me that he and his siblings and cousins hadn’t gone to bed until 7 am. I told him to get some sleep and text me whenever he felt like it. I sent him a ‘thinking of you’ while I was at work and a ‘goodnight’ before bed. The next morning, I asked how he was doing and he was ‘tired, grumpy, and irritated’ because he had been up since 5 am working. I told him I would leave him to it and he said he would text me when he got home, if he didn’t just pass out.

That’s the last I heard from him. I tried texting, I messaged him on facebook, and I even called and left him a voicemail.

Crazy theories aside, I’m worried that he’s become depressed and is alone. If he lost interest, I could deal with that, but I’d rather know. It’s the unknown that’s killing me. And what’s worse is, I never wanted to be this attached to him, and now I’ve spent every day since, wondering if he’s okay.

Is it too much? Am I being irrational? Should I just assume he’s not interested and move on?

I wish I knew.

I’m worried about him. I’m worried about what this means about my feelings for him.

I’m. Just. Plain. Worried.



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